I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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