How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
