I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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