and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i came on her dog
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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