this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
