I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
