I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
