I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
