You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She needs sedatives and a leash
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
