If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
