I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
