WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
