i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
