Your dad touched me again.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
