So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
