Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
