At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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