WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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