I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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