she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
