how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
