When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
