I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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