if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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