This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
