yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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