I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
