yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
