Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
