How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
