since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
