the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
