he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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