gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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