think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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