Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
