Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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