I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
