Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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