It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i think im in europe. pls send help
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
