the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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