There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
