i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
