I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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