In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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