so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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