she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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