I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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