at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
