also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you inspire me to be a worse person
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
